Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Alone, not lonely.

For the first time in a lonnnnggg time, I find myself alone, and oh my gosh I am hating it. Like really hating it -- so much so that look here I am out of my blogging hiatus. 

I've just come back from a three week trip to the states to visit the family with Miguel. When we were planning this trip many, many months ago, we agreed that I would take three weeks off, but he would stay an extra week longer to get some quality time in with his family. I thought it was a great idea, especially because to me, there is nothing, nothing more important than family. So a couple days ago I flew back to Sydney, while he stayed on. 

I've been hating every single moment since we parted. No lie.

I live my life repeating to myself and to many around me (especially when I'm feeling sassy) how much of a strong, independent woman I am. I can do anything on my own and I definitely don't need no man!  But ever since I stepped foot on Australian territorry three days ago, I have felt anything but fierce and independent. I'm feeling sad, lonely, needy. Maybe it's because I've been sick with a fever the past few days or maybe it's because I've become intensely attached to my guy... maybe it's both. At this stage - fever gone - it's likely the latter. 

I'm not really sure what to do about it to be honest. I haven't worked a routine out in my head yet. I guess I could fill my time with meeting friends after work and planning my evenings out so I have someone to see every day of the week, but I know inevitably, every night, I'll crawl into bed and that loneliness will creep in and cover me in its deep, blue sorrow. How melancholy. How dramatic. But it's how I feel right? 

Is it best to face the loneliness head on? Should I find strength in it and force myself to do things that I would enjoy sans friends? Should I find my inner Carrie Bradshaw and saunter around Sydney coffee shops and shoe stores, head held high, independence gleaming? Will the loneliness not find me then as I crawl into bed after an evening spent alone? 

I don't know. 

I do know one thing: I have about a week until Miguel gets home, and I don't want to spend it in the depths of my loneliness feeling bad for myself. I've got to take each day as it comes and make it the best for me. I should take this opportunity and really learn something from it. I'm not sure what will happen, but I'm ready to see how this week will pan out. Here's hoping it's a transformative one.